i did it i did it!!

it was so hard to drag my butt out of bed this morning when R got home but i did it and went to work out for about 1/2 hour.  not a long work out but i didn't want to hurt myself so i listened to my body and stopped when I thought I should.  Came home and had a protein shake and have been on the go around the house ever since.  Also only took 2 lithium last night again and I feel really good.  Even Megan is dressed and has her hair all done so pretty today and we aren't going anywhere.  I haven't showered yet because I'm waiting for my sis in law to come over that way i don't have to worry about megan climbing the walls while i shower.  Point is that i actually care about these things where before i really didn't.  4 days into January and it really has been a great year :)

yay 2012

happy new year!!! i can honestly say i have never started a year with such a positive attitude. i am looking forward to this new year and this fresh start.  I got R a 3 month membership to the rec center for Christmas and he started going today.  I have come to the conclusion that a gym membership for me is a waste of money.  the only time of day i can guarantee that i can get to workout is at 5am when R gets home from work.  we have a fitness center at the apartment we will in so when he gets home i will just go down there for an hour or so.  tomorrow is day one.  i am excited to get started.

in other news of me i've decided i want to get off my lithium.  i have been losing important things with zero recolection of ever having them along with other bad side effects that are getting worse not better with time.  i am going to wean off of them slowly and i have an appt with a new doctor in 2 weeks to discuss not only my being bipolar but also my weight and hopfully i can get some help there too. 

oh and i other HUGE news - R's sister is back in our lives again.  she has meant so much to me since i met her but she has had a rough 5 years or so.  she is an amazingly strong person and i am beyond excited to have her and our 2 year old nephew in our lives :)

so there's the update. 

progress?

i joined the rec center on monday.  i went yesterday to walk the indoor track with megan and after 20 minutes, she was done.  since rick goes when he gets off work at 5am, i figured i could go when he gets home about 630am and still be home in time to take jeffrey to school at 8.  the only problem was when rick got home this morning, i growled at him and stayed in bed.  megan is over a year and a half. you would think she would be sleeping through the night.  you would be wrong.  and i am exhasted.  i have been kicking myself all day long for not going.  tomorrow, i'm going.  sleep or no sleep i have to get in better shape. 

so there is my physical progress (and i think once i get in the groove, working out solo will help my mental state too).  and now to the finacial progress - the apartments i live in are looking for a new office manager so i have a resume all ready to drop off this afternoon.  the extra income would be such a blessing for us so i am praying it works out. 

oh and on a home front - i have had the house clean and homework done every night before bed for 2 nights in a row.  THAT is a huge accomplishment for me. 

so alot on the progress front.  not alot has been accomplished just yet BUT just taking the steps to put things in motion is progress.

my bug

tonight i want to talk my son.  Jeffrey Bug is the sweetest 7 year old boy you could ever meet.  Of course he isn't perfect and he does have his moments but over all, i could not ask for a better son.  now since school started this year, he has been getting picked on while at recess.  There were two separate days where he was punched in the stomach so hard it knocked the wind from him and at least 4 other occations where he was otherwise hurt by other students.  i emailed his teacher to make him aware of the situation since J couldn't tell me who did it.  He told me if he told on them they wouldn't be his friend.  He is so sweet he sees good in everyone - even kids who are beating on him.

so today after running errands, i decide to drive by his school since it was lunch time.  i just thought i would drive by and see him playing happily and head for home.  instead i pulled up to watch him for a little bit because he was getting up off the ground when i saw him.  then i saw a girl shove him in the middle of the back and push him to the gravel face first.  then 2 girls and one very much bigger boy decide to drop their knees and elbows into J's back.  the worst part?  a playground teacher was standing not 3 feet away from all of this and she looked down at it happening 3 times in the time it took me to drive up as far as i could and run to J.  when i pulled him up he was crying.  when he looked up and saw it was me he really started to cry.  i asked the teacher if she was just going to stand there and not do anything while they jumped all over him? and she asked me what happened.  she played dumb.  i told her i had watched her watch it happen.  i pointed out he was crying and she was so snotty asking well do you need to go to the office?  F that lady.  i told her i'm his mom - i've got this. 

so i get M out of the car and we went to talk to the principal.  she was gone so i spent about 40 minutes with the asst. principal.  they seemed concerned that J is alright but they want to punish the kids and i am more pissed off about the teacher.  had she been doing her job, it wouldn't have happened.

we are going to chat with the principal and the superintendant monday.  this is not acceptable. 

what kills me is J still thinks they are his friends.  he doesn't get that people like that are not people to hang around with.  i watch him every morning after get gets out of the car at school.  he is so happy and be bops around the play ground just looking for the first person to give him the time of day.  i worry about him so much.  now even more so...

my favorite sight and sound

J spent the weekend with my parents.  Even though we all went T or T'ing yesterday, he stayed with them while we came home.  So today when he got home, M was all about playing with "GiGi" as she calls him.  For the last few hours, they have been playing and laughing and running though the house.  While I was tucking J in, M crawled into his bed and covered them both up.  I sat there watching them look at each other with such love in their eyes.  M was imatating everything J did.  I even thought they were going to fall asleep together but it was less than one minute after i left the room that they both came back out.  Even though - those few minutes of watching them play and make faces at each other was just what I needed to put things into perspective.  I have my kids.  No one can reposess them.  And as long as I have my kids, I have all I need. 

lil scared

so i am getting scared about the whole quitting smoking thing.  i know i can do it.  lord knows i've done it several times.  the last time just sucked so awfully bad.  i would feel better about it if i could refil my xanax but that will have to wait until friday.  out of xanax and smokes?  oh lord help us all!!!

i know i need to do this.  aside from the cost, J hates it that i smoke.  R has told me he is quitting no matter what.  a part of me knows i need to quit to support his quitting.  there's no way he will if i don't.  with all the finacial mess coming our way, we need to save every penny we can.  so i know i will quit but i'm still scared.

stress sucks

i must vent.  this will not be a cheery post.  i'm on the verge of tears and i have to vent.

the only thing harder than dealing with stress is trying to pretend everything is ok in front of your kids.  i have $3 to my name until friday.  i got a notice in the mail yesterday that a collection agency has obtained a judgement to garnish R's check for medical bills along with all the other late bills.  my student loan check was $100 less then it should have been for some unknown reason (and it still isn't here - was supposed to be on the 26th).  and my power bill is $100 more then i thought it would be.  i'm stressed beyond belief.  i'm counting the days until the 1st so at least i will have money to get groceries.  and through all of this - i have to keep the brave face so i don't pass the stress to the kids. 

i know in the end, this will all work out somehow.  i'm just so upset because if they garnish R's check, there goes christmas for my kids.  i can say i truly effing hate money.  i hate it.