progress?

i joined the rec center on monday.  i went yesterday to walk the indoor track with megan and after 20 minutes, she was done.  since rick goes when he gets off work at 5am, i figured i could go when he gets home about 630am and still be home in time to take jeffrey to school at 8.  the only problem was when rick got home this morning, i growled at him and stayed in bed.  megan is over a year and a half. you would think she would be sleeping through the night.  you would be wrong.  and i am exhasted.  i have been kicking myself all day long for not going.  tomorrow, i'm going.  sleep or no sleep i have to get in better shape. 

so there is my physical progress (and i think once i get in the groove, working out solo will help my mental state too).  and now to the finacial progress - the apartments i live in are looking for a new office manager so i have a resume all ready to drop off this afternoon.  the extra income would be such a blessing for us so i am praying it works out. 

oh and on a home front - i have had the house clean and homework done every night before bed for 2 nights in a row.  THAT is a huge accomplishment for me. 

so alot on the progress front.  not alot has been accomplished just yet BUT just taking the steps to put things in motion is progress.

my bug

tonight i want to talk my son.  Jeffrey Bug is the sweetest 7 year old boy you could ever meet.  Of course he isn't perfect and he does have his moments but over all, i could not ask for a better son.  now since school started this year, he has been getting picked on while at recess.  There were two separate days where he was punched in the stomach so hard it knocked the wind from him and at least 4 other occations where he was otherwise hurt by other students.  i emailed his teacher to make him aware of the situation since J couldn't tell me who did it.  He told me if he told on them they wouldn't be his friend.  He is so sweet he sees good in everyone - even kids who are beating on him.

so today after running errands, i decide to drive by his school since it was lunch time.  i just thought i would drive by and see him playing happily and head for home.  instead i pulled up to watch him for a little bit because he was getting up off the ground when i saw him.  then i saw a girl shove him in the middle of the back and push him to the gravel face first.  then 2 girls and one very much bigger boy decide to drop their knees and elbows into J's back.  the worst part?  a playground teacher was standing not 3 feet away from all of this and she looked down at it happening 3 times in the time it took me to drive up as far as i could and run to J.  when i pulled him up he was crying.  when he looked up and saw it was me he really started to cry.  i asked the teacher if she was just going to stand there and not do anything while they jumped all over him? and she asked me what happened.  she played dumb.  i told her i had watched her watch it happen.  i pointed out he was crying and she was so snotty asking well do you need to go to the office?  F that lady.  i told her i'm his mom - i've got this. 

so i get M out of the car and we went to talk to the principal.  she was gone so i spent about 40 minutes with the asst. principal.  they seemed concerned that J is alright but they want to punish the kids and i am more pissed off about the teacher.  had she been doing her job, it wouldn't have happened.

we are going to chat with the principal and the superintendant monday.  this is not acceptable. 

what kills me is J still thinks they are his friends.  he doesn't get that people like that are not people to hang around with.  i watch him every morning after get gets out of the car at school.  he is so happy and be bops around the play ground just looking for the first person to give him the time of day.  i worry about him so much.  now even more so...

my favorite sight and sound

J spent the weekend with my parents.  Even though we all went T or T'ing yesterday, he stayed with them while we came home.  So today when he got home, M was all about playing with "GiGi" as she calls him.  For the last few hours, they have been playing and laughing and running though the house.  While I was tucking J in, M crawled into his bed and covered them both up.  I sat there watching them look at each other with such love in their eyes.  M was imatating everything J did.  I even thought they were going to fall asleep together but it was less than one minute after i left the room that they both came back out.  Even though - those few minutes of watching them play and make faces at each other was just what I needed to put things into perspective.  I have my kids.  No one can reposess them.  And as long as I have my kids, I have all I need. 

lil scared

so i am getting scared about the whole quitting smoking thing.  i know i can do it.  lord knows i've done it several times.  the last time just sucked so awfully bad.  i would feel better about it if i could refil my xanax but that will have to wait until friday.  out of xanax and smokes?  oh lord help us all!!!

i know i need to do this.  aside from the cost, J hates it that i smoke.  R has told me he is quitting no matter what.  a part of me knows i need to quit to support his quitting.  there's no way he will if i don't.  with all the finacial mess coming our way, we need to save every penny we can.  so i know i will quit but i'm still scared.

stress sucks

i must vent.  this will not be a cheery post.  i'm on the verge of tears and i have to vent.

the only thing harder than dealing with stress is trying to pretend everything is ok in front of your kids.  i have $3 to my name until friday.  i got a notice in the mail yesterday that a collection agency has obtained a judgement to garnish R's check for medical bills along with all the other late bills.  my student loan check was $100 less then it should have been for some unknown reason (and it still isn't here - was supposed to be on the 26th).  and my power bill is $100 more then i thought it would be.  i'm stressed beyond belief.  i'm counting the days until the 1st so at least i will have money to get groceries.  and through all of this - i have to keep the brave face so i don't pass the stress to the kids. 

i know in the end, this will all work out somehow.  i'm just so upset because if they garnish R's check, there goes christmas for my kids.  i can say i truly effing hate money.  i hate it.

to move or not to move?

6 months ago, we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment with a promise from the landlord we could move to a 3 bedroom when one was available.  yesterday afternoon i noticed one of the 3 bedroom units is empty.  i have a call into the landlord to see if i can look at it but while waiting for her to call back today i started thinking, do i really want to move again? 
i hate moving.  it takes me forever to adjust to a new place.  i hate the packing and unpacking.  i feel like i am just getting into a groove in this apartment.  plus the rent is about $150 more.  but oh for the kids to have their own room would be great.  but on the other hand, M is so little still that she only wants to be where ever J is so they would still be playing in each others rooms all the time anyway.  i asked R to sort of brain storm on the things we like about where we are.  our deck is nice and private'ish.  the view is nice with a good space for the kids to run around in. the downside is the kids room is very cramped with a queen bed and a crib plus a bazillon toys and 2 dressers.  thank dog they have a walk in closet to share.  plus the crawl space for the building is in our unit.  i hate that.  they have to come in pretty often to be down there since that is where the cable and internet for the building is hooked up. 

so there are the pro's and con's.  without seeing a 3 bedroom, i cannot say 100% but i can say 99% we are going to stay put.  i want to live here until i graduate.  the rent cannot be beat in this area.  we havelooked.  it's just a smart thing to stay until i have a job too at least.  i think i will put J's bed on craiglist and try to sell M's crib and buy the kids some bunkbeds to clear up some space for them.  make the best of what we have and be grateful we have a place to call home.

hello again blogging world

it has been a very long time since i have blogged.  so long in fact that i forgot i even had a blog.  i was reminded when i tried to start a new one.  so here i am again.  still over weight (morbidly - isn't that a terrible word?) and still trying to find the right mix of medication to help level me out.  we have moved to a smaller place to save money and to be closer to R's work.  we are now a one car family so R has went to the night shift at work so the kids and i can have the car during the day.  it has been a year of adjustment for all of us.  so many ups and downs.  at the end of the day, we still have each other and that is what matters. 

over 2 years ago, i quit smoking.  it was horrible!!!  with the help of great friends i was able to get through.  i made it to 1 year, 10 1/2 months.  with all the stress of everything - i caved.  and then of course once i came clean to R, it wasn't long before he started again too.  i haven't been smoking even half what i used to but still, smoking is freaking expensive.  being as broke as we are, i have decided to quit.  again.  November 1st is the day.  i had buy M's costume at the dollar store and i had to buy J's with his allowance money with a promise to pay him back.  it isn't worth it.  yes it helps my stress greatly but i will have to find a different way to deal with stress.  it causes me more stress to have to tell my kids no all the time because we can't afford things.  i am not fooling myself into thinking my quitting smoking (savings of about $80-$100/month) will fix all our problems money wise BUT i have to do something.  i don't have a job, i bring in no money to the house.  i figure the least i can do is keep what i spend on me to a minimum.  so i'm quitting again.  Lord save us all.

our local recreation center has some pretty awesome deals on memberships.  i found out for less than $50/month R and i can have a membership with unlimited access to the gym, indoor walking track and fitness classes (water aerobics in the summer, zumba, kickboxing etc.).  we will be signing up for that on Nov. 4th. (payday) so see?  i will have to quit.  i will use my smoking money on the gym.  what better way to spend that money?  the next payday, i am taking my smoking money and putting it towards chirstmas for the kids. 

so as i get set to start the next journey, i am sure this blog will see some action =)

frusteration

i am making zero progress and this is really bumming me out.  i am not getting good sleep or even decent sleep because M is still up 3 or 4 times most nights.  i swear as soon as we can afford a new baby moniter, she is going to her own room.  i am hoping that will help.  meanwhile, i don't have the energy to workout most days.  and on the days i've tried to, she takes a 10 minute nap all day.  as soon as i get started, she wakes up.  i think i will start working out after i get J home from school so he can help keep her entertained while i get at least 20 minutes in. 

i'm trying so hard not to worry or stress about so much right now.  worry and stress will not fix the multitude of problems and issues i am dealing with right now.  i just have to figure out some way to work the issues out.  i think al the stress is keeping me from losing any weight.

this post is quite random.  i'm trying to keep a train of thought while having to stop every 10 seconds to grab M from whatever she is getting into.  ahh, the joys of a mobile baby :P

curve balls

it's been quite some time since i have blogged.  there is good reason.  on jan. 3rd, my brother was in a terrible accident.  it is a miracle that he is still with us.  it has been a very long 11 days since the accident in and out of the hosptital with him, doctor appointments and surgery on his very broken leg this week.  he is on his way to getting better.  i just thank God every day that we still have my brother with us.  he doesn't remember the wreck and after seeing the pictures, that is a great thing.  i hope he never remembers :(

on top of this, i've run out of my asthma medicine.  without it, my breathing can get out of control pretty easily when i work out.  i've decided to use the exersize bike daily for 20-30 minutes until i can work up some stamina to work out to DVD's.   but not today.  i'm sicker then a dog.  seems a cold is making it's way through our house.  i imagine it's from being at the hospital so much lately.  The kids have both had it all week, even the hubby who never ever gets sick (ok maybe once every 2 years) has it.  i wanted to think i was going to escape getting sick but no such luck.  i woke up to the dog barking and scratching at the back door at 3am and when i went to tell her to zip it, i had no voice.  i do have some of a voice now but i have to be at work by 10am so i don't see working out in my schedule today.  but tomorrow - i begin.  even sick i should be able to ride a bike for 20 mins.

i do have to say i'm having a hard time not being discouraged.  i am not seeing any change on the scale at all.  i've been eating better and less amounts but still no change.  could the stress be making me hold on to the weight?  i've also noticed in the last 5 months or so, my weight has shifted and now i'm carrying more all up front in my belly.  i'm really hoping that by adding the bike workout daily, i will start to see some change. 

and now to drag my butt around to get J ready for school. 

happy friday everyone

reason 364

reason 364 to get healthy and fit:

being able to sit in chairs with arms without my saddlebags bulging through the sides.

out of shape - unless you count round of course

ugh.  what a disapointing morning this has been.  when i put baby girl back to bed this morning at 5, i stayed up, saw the hubby off to work, had a cup of coffee and decided to workout.  2nd day doing the shred.  holy. hell.  now let me also say that i've been out of my asthma/allergy medicine for a few days now so even with my inhaler, i was dying trying to do half the work out much less keep up.  so i think it may be wise to start back with walk away the pounds for a few weeks to get my lungs (and body) built up enough to handle miss killian, i mean jillian :P

on another note, i really think my bi polar meds are working well.  i was a crab ass and a half yesterday for a couple hours but aunt flo is here so that is to be expected i think.  i'm either on an up swing or my pills are working.  either way, i'm making the most of every second that i feel good.

365 reasons

taking a page from Julie Bo, i'm going to start each morning with a reason to get healthy and lose weight.  reading Julie's reasons has always motivated me so i imagine my own will motivate me even more. 

so Jan. 1st

reason 365

being able to breathe better while sleeping

New Year = New You?

January 1st again.  Is it just me or are the years going much faster?  So much changed in 2010.  I'm curious to see what 2011 has to bring us.  I was thinking last night about resolutions.  Mine are always the same standard ones - quit smoking, lose weight , be more organized blah blah blah.  well i have quit smoking (yay me over 18 months now!!) so this year my New Years Resolution is: (drum roll please) to be a better me.  all around better me.  a better friend, a better wife, better mother, sister, aunt, daughter.  a better home maker.  a better Kimberly.  i'm sure to have off days but the important thing will be to keep trying.